What Three Months of Poverty Have Taught Me
A few people reading this title might be tempted to think I’m exaggerating or using hyperbole but, as I would elaborate shortly, it has been an incredibly tough few months. Merriam-Webster defines poverty as the state of not having enough material possessions or income for a person’s basic needs.
This definition really does hit home. I would say my material possessions are more than enough. After all, I am typing this from a state of the art laptop connected to the internet via an iPhone. My income, however, is a whole other story. You probably already know that I left a lucrative job to pursue a career in Architecture. The turn of events following that move though has been best-seller material if I do say so myself.
This article is not to document that turn of events. It is to share a few lessons — seven to be precise — that I have picked up during this time. Without further ado (I know I just further ado-ed), let's get into it. As they say: charity begins at home.
1. You're only loved at home when you provide
You might find this hard to believe, but I hope you do not have to find this out the hard way. In the first few weeks of me being home without a job, I experienced this first-hand. As later conversations with a childhood friend revealed: it really isn’t a factor of the level of income your parents have. It has to do with the returns they feel they are getting on the investments they made in you as a child.
It turns out that an unemployed graduate eating the same amount of food in the house as an employed individual is eating too much. Go figure. It's crazy but that’s just the way it is. Since then I personally made a radical adjustment to fending for myself which has not always worked out but still, the lesson holds true. Make yourself productive or you become a liability.
2. Nobody ever has spare change to give
I remember reading a quote along the lines of if you think people are stingy, you probably beg too much. I think that is pretty true. The curveball is that nobody ever begs out of a liking to it. Most people do it out of a place of necessity. Like I’d rather put my dignity aside than starve to death. Problem is, you’re the one feeling the hunger, not the giver, so their disposition to giving depends on their perception of your predicament.
Know this and know peace: nobody is entitled to give part of their hard-earned money to you, and you should not feel entitled to any other person’s income. That being said, it also helps to think of everybody else as struggling almost as much as you to make ends meet. Yes, you know their basic income but you do not know their responsibilities. So nobody ever has spare change not because they’re stingy or selfish but because they just have many other competing needs to fulfil.
3. Friends avoid you when you’re poor
You know how everybody is trying to make ends meet, well, some people resort to interesting measures to make sure those ends actually do meet. In order to safeguard the little change that comes in, most people avoid the stress of having to turn down a request entirely than dealing with the politics of saying no and then navigating the relationship.
So those calls you make go unanswered and even worse, go unreturned. No hard feelings my good man, it's just a man doing what he feels he must to stay afloat. For you, on the other hand, this hurts a lot. Mostly because you know you’d be there for them if the shoe was on the other foot. That’s easier said than done though but as they say, it is the person wearing the shoe that knows where his feet hurt.
4. Nobody is looking out for anybody else
Nobody lookin’ out for nobody
Maybe we should try and help somebody or be somebody
Instead of bein’ somebody that makes the news
So everybody can tweet about it — Drake
Blame the economy, it’s a product of it. Besides your parents who brought you into the world, nobody has the responsibility of looking out for you. That’s just the way it is. Everybody is fighting a battle for their own survival that you do not know about.
I remember seeing a therapist once and he said: picture the closest people in your life. Now keep in mind that they all have their own lives going on and they are more worried about that than they are about you. It’s just the natural order of things. It does not mean that they value you less as a person but, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.
5. It’s never really as bad as it seems
I know people say this a lot but; look on the bright side. There is always a bright side and I’ll use myself as an example. Like I mentioned at the beginning, my income may be non-existent but my material possessions are pretty awesome. Also, I haven’t had a job for 12 weeks and I’ve not been eating at home but I’m not dead yet. There has to be a positive side keeping all this together.
While I may not be abreast with your current situation, I do know for a fact that if you were to sit down for ten minutes, you could come up with a list of things to be grateful for. Try it, you’d be surprised.
6. You were born alone, learn to live alone
Be a grown-up, pick yourself up, and figure out what to do next. There are a lot of skills you’ll need to maintain a healthy body and mind. Some of them would require dealing with other people, many of them revolve around how you deal with yourself. What value do you place on yourself and how do you talk to yourself especially when you’re down.
Find a way to enjoy the stillness, the quiet, the uncertainty and you’ll never be bored a day in your life. — Mark Manson
You’re probably better off figuring out the important questions in your life alone and finding solutions to your own problems. Then, if you need help, you can ask for it from a place of strength, not weakness.
7. It’s not a competition but, people have it worse
I remember heading home from an interesting karaoke session in Victoria Island, Lagos. This was about nine p.m. on a weekday and Lagos is not the safest city to live in. Here comes this young girl no more than sixteen years of age asking to sell me a product this late at night.
I stopped her and asked about her. What was she doing out so late and when would she get home? Guess what she says: I’m trying to sell a few things and I live far away in Abeokuta. Where will you sleep tonight? she goes: I’ll sleep at the beach. Bruh, that was something. I just ended the conversation and headed to my mother’s house. At least I had a roof over my head.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending my Ted talk. It really has not been an easy few weeks but I am eternally grateful for the lessons I’ve learned. We live and learn and we learn to lose. It is very important to keep the big picture in mind. I’m still pursuing my architecture career but along the line, I’ll keep my head up and trust the process.
It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed. — Doe Zantamata
